12/28/2004
I call it: "The Switch"
Sometimes things will just switch on you
You never really know when this will happen...sometimes it will TOTALLY surprise you. The switch can be good, or bad, or maybe it switched twice. First it was good, then bad, then back to good again! Or maybe the other way.
I'm not talking about anything specific, this happens with all kinds of things in life. Other people have different ways of explaining it but I call it: "The switch" Something in your life just "switches" It's almost as if you wanted it (or didn't) but you almost never expect it. Something will just switch on you. Straight out of left field. I always liked the Switch. I'm a sucker for surprises. Some people hate them. You know these people. They're the ones that are always crying on you shoulder about how something happened to "ruin their lives" Of course they don't refer to it as the Switch, because they're not me. Don't get me wrong, I've cried on many a shoulder...just not about...well maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have in the past, but I feel that I've learned to appreciate the Switch. To me, it's life's little way of mixing things up, killing redundancy, keeping it interesting. Some Switches may be uncomfortable or even horrible, but then again, there's always a chance for another Switch.
12/26/2004
6 years
I haven't felt this in just about 6 years
Not since...
not that It's the same...just different.
"The same but different" makes no sense, but this makes all the sense in the world
All the while making ABSOLUTELY no sense at all.
I am crazy, no maybe's about it.
12/23/2004
they're all here...
they're all here, but it's not about that
it's about the fact that it's not about me
not about us
it's all about them...
I'm not really included in that
Except when the drama hits
like a ton of bricks
but thats really overused
something just happend to change my mind...switch my mind
not really switch...maybe solidify is the word I'm looking for here
I'm really not in the state to be doing this...I'm in...In...you know what comes next...
but you're unsure. You don't want to guess
because maybe you're wrong...but you know you're right.
Somethings just surprise you...some surprise you twice...I can't really expect what I wanted to expect but...things change...people change...I don't want this to...I don't want to say...especially on here...
I don't want this to...
I need to stop before I say something I'll regret...I am real...this is for you, you know who you are...
She says it doesn't bother her...but I think it's more...or less than she says. I think it's something more than nothing...but for me it's nothing...not like there was nothing
it's about the fact that it's not about me
not about us
it's all about them...
I'm not really included in that
Except when the drama hits
like a ton of bricks
but thats really overused
something just happend to change my mind...switch my mind
not really switch...maybe solidify is the word I'm looking for here
I'm really not in the state to be doing this...I'm in...In...you know what comes next...
but you're unsure. You don't want to guess
because maybe you're wrong...but you know you're right.
Somethings just surprise you...some surprise you twice...I can't really expect what I wanted to expect but...things change...people change...I don't want this to...I don't want to say...especially on here...
I don't want this to...
I need to stop before I say something I'll regret...I am real...this is for you, you know who you are...
She says it doesn't bother her...but I think it's more...or less than she says. I think it's something more than nothing...but for me it's nothing...not like there was nothing
12/21/2004
With the Wind In My Face
I can't believe I'm waiting
the whole time for a call that may never come
but it came and it was all that I expected
but then it wasn't anymore than nothing
there was a flicker of something
then more of nothing
I don't really know where I am
I don't want to ask for directions
I know it's not because I'm a man
I just asked too many times already
Information came from an old map
that was out of date but curiously still correct
and now I'm really lost, I don't know my next step
how many times have I felt this way?
how many times have I asked myself how many times I've felt this way?
how many times have I written about how many times I asked myself how many times I've felt this way?
It's all the same
but this time it's different
What I really need is what I cannot have
and what I have is hunger for more
I'm stuck in this redundancy
making up words and writing forever
I can't make a good enough plan
to change my course or the weather
the whole time for a call that may never come
but it came and it was all that I expected
but then it wasn't anymore than nothing
there was a flicker of something
then more of nothing
I don't really know where I am
I don't want to ask for directions
I know it's not because I'm a man
I just asked too many times already
Information came from an old map
that was out of date but curiously still correct
and now I'm really lost, I don't know my next step
how many times have I felt this way?
how many times have I asked myself how many times I've felt this way?
how many times have I written about how many times I asked myself how many times I've felt this way?
It's all the same
but this time it's different
What I really need is what I cannot have
and what I have is hunger for more
I'm stuck in this redundancy
making up words and writing forever
I can't make a good enough plan
to change my course or the weather
I CAN'T REMEMBER!
12/20/2004
HMMM, Interesting...
Everybody should check out this site: Littleredridinghood
ZaRa has some very interesting things to say on just about every topic. I'm still enjoying it, so can you.
ZaRa has some very interesting things to say on just about every topic. I'm still enjoying it, so can you.
12/19/2004
Sorry Bout that...
Everybody...I'm sorry for not posting in...like...3 days. My browser was really messed up for a while, and I still don't know what the problem was. I just did a system restore to a couple days ago and it seemed to fix the problem. I love system restore. Anyway...a LOT has happened in these past couple of days, most of which I don't remember. Most people are back in town, I'm looking forward to hanging out with all of them.
I just had Christmas with my Mom. I FINALLY got a digital camera so I can take pics of me...and other stuff. Here are some practice pics of...me.
Also, I have some interesting news to tell everybody. The other day when I was driving...
I just had Christmas with my Mom. I FINALLY got a digital camera so I can take pics of me...and other stuff. Here are some practice pics of...me.
Also, I have some interesting news to tell everybody. The other day when I was driving...
Currently Listening to: "You're the One" - Gurilla Black feat Mario Williams
12/16/2004
Just don't give a poo!
Do you see the concern in my eye?
Sometimes there is stuff you should care about, but just don't. There are different ways we all deal with these situations. This little guy above is pretty blunt, but some of us may be a little more discreet. I just noticed that sometimes I don't seem as caring or as concerned with humanity as I would like to be perceived as...because I'm just not. At that particular moment. I don't really know why this happens but it makes me seem like an jerk. Like Amy's Question about cancer/million dollars...I answered honestly. But does that make me a bad person because at this particular moment in my life, I am more concerned with money than helping my fellow man? Or should I try to fit the image and follow everybody else and say "Peace on earth, love and kindness, cure for cancer?" I wonder what would happen if all those Miss America girls were really honest in their goals. Maybe none of them would win...maybe they would be more concerned with themselves than the rest of the world, maybe they just want to win to say they won...or get the little crown, or whatever reason. I know those girls don't want to be Miss America because they're on a mission for world peace. Anyway, I just want to say that maybe I'm not a horrible person because I don't want to cure cancer unless it's gonna make me some millions. Maybe I'm just a normal kid who gives no poos about humanity...that, or maybe...just maybe, I'm different. Maybe everybody really does care and I don't. Maybe I am evil and corrupt...
...Or maybe I'm just crazy.
Music from the Commute: "Jump Around" - House of Pain
12/15/2004
"Turn Yourself Around..."
Change is inevitable. I like Amy's post about changes...I have something to add. My two cents. Or three cents. Or ten...I don't know. I think that we've all changed a little, some of us have changed a lot. I can't really say how much I've changed since graduation, since August, since last week, because I am me. I can't see myself like everybody can see me.. I can only assume that I am different than I was, because I see everybody else change in front of my eyes. I can only assume I am changing with them.
I think this is the most excited I have ever been about Christmas. Maybe I was more excited when I was like 5, but not for the same reasons. I don't really know why I am looking forward to the holidays so much this year. I think I feel detached. I feel disconnected from my family and tradition. I just want that again, that's why I want to be with my whole family on Christmas. I miss the feeling. I love being on my own, but I lack the feeling...you know what I'm talking about. I can only take so much time with my family (immediate and extended) but I can't wait to spend Christmas eve with them. Weird Huh? Anyway, the point of all this is to show that I feel like I have changed A LOT. I even look back at my first posts and see how..."then" I was. Stuck in the moment. Just like I am now...different moment. If you've been blogging for a while, take a look back at your first week's posts. It's a trip, let me tell you. If you haven't (or don't blog at all), look at my first month's posts in the archive. You can definitely see the difference from then until now. Anyway, I suppose everybody has this feeling one time or another...maybe more than once.
Maybe some of you can tell me how I am different than I was in...say...August.
Music from the Commute: "It's Raining Men" - Weather Girls
12/14/2004
I have obtained the wound of the blue collar world...papercut
I'm delerious at work, I have a fork in my mouth, It's not stuck in my mouth, just still there from when I was using it to eat food. What food you ask? Macaroni and Cheese (the easy kind). That's what I always have at work. Easy Mac at work, Ramen when I get home, Easy Mac at work, Ramen when I get home. "NASAmanager'sofficethisisBrett"
sorry, I had to answer the phone...you know how it goes. Anyway I just wanted to ask how a triangle could beat anything? I mean, If you got in a fight with a triangle...how would the triange beat you. Maybe triangle man could beat particle man, but triangle man cannot beat person man or human man or whateverthehell. Anyway, the fork is still in my mouth, I am still seeing things out of the corner of my eye and I still think I'm delerious...for some reason...Bats. Well I know this wasn't a substantial post....really there was nothing said here...or there...or anywhere for that matter, maybe a staple is in order. I realized that I love this life...I love it and I hate it. The office life I mean. I love flourescent lighting and staples and shredders and copiers and computers and networking and extensions....I don't know why but I love it. I hate it, but I love it more....like a moth. You know what I'm saying but I don't really know...I know you know. I was looking back at you to see you looking back at you to see me looking back at you. Remember that song? I do but not for long...the lyrics are wrong, unless they're right, in which case I'm alright...I think I'm alright...once again.
Or maybe I'm just crazy.
sorry, I had to answer the phone...you know how it goes. Anyway I just wanted to ask how a triangle could beat anything? I mean, If you got in a fight with a triangle...how would the triange beat you. Maybe triangle man could beat particle man, but triangle man cannot beat person man or human man or whateverthehell. Anyway, the fork is still in my mouth, I am still seeing things out of the corner of my eye and I still think I'm delerious...for some reason...Bats. Well I know this wasn't a substantial post....really there was nothing said here...or there...or anywhere for that matter, maybe a staple is in order. I realized that I love this life...I love it and I hate it. The office life I mean. I love flourescent lighting and staples and shredders and copiers and computers and networking and extensions....I don't know why but I love it. I hate it, but I love it more....like a moth. You know what I'm saying but I don't really know...I know you know. I was looking back at you to see you looking back at you to see me looking back at you. Remember that song? I do but not for long...the lyrics are wrong, unless they're right, in which case I'm alright...I think I'm alright...once again.
Or maybe I'm just crazy.
12/13/2004
I'm 2 dope, and it aint no thang!
Mezcal - Tequila made from an assortment of species of the agave plant. Sometimes with a worm in the bottle.
Also, I think this quote from Skee-Lo is in order...I always could relate to this verse.
"I wish I had a brand-new car
So far, I got this hatchback
And everywhere I go, yo I gets laughed at
And when I'm in my car I'm laid back
I got an 8-track and a spare tire in the backseat
But that's flat
And do you really wanna know what's really whack
See I can't even get a date
So, what do you think of that?"
Skee-Lo
Currently Listening to: My head explode...
12/10/2004
All gon die...
You ever have somebody treat you like dirt...less than dirt? Have you ever had someone treat you like you are nothing...less than nothing? You know what I mean, when you feel this rage inside of you, like your lungs just caught on fire. The animal instinct comes out and you wanna tear them apart. You wanna show them that you are capable of something: Destruction of Life...thiers. You ever feel this way? You feel like your fists are now made of concrete...iron...indestructable self image. You can now punch through their skull. You can now rip their limbs off. They think you are nothing but once you pull your peice...they are nothing. They are in your hands...you feel like you are capable of murder. Forget about the law. Ain't nothin stoppin you. You wanna show them that they can't treat you like that. Sudden urges to see them bleed. I need to see his blood...NOW! You see yourself on the 5 o'clock news, driving away from the sirens...the lights...you made him believe that there was a god. You made him pray. You made him repent. He asked you to spare him. Now who has the power? Who is holding the life now? WHO IS NOTHING NOW? WHO IS LESS THAN DIRT NOW? YOU'RE THE ONE ON THE GROUND, SHAKING, CRYIN, AND PRAYING. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS A BARREL TO LICK, BULLETS TO TASTE. YOU ARE THE WEAK. I AM ALL POWERFUL! You will never forget me as long as your memory lasts...which is about 2 minutes from the look of this pistol!
Does anybody feel like this? Sometimes I do. Then I count to ten....woosaw....woosaw...walk away.
Currently Listening to "Thug Love" - Bone Thugs N Harmony feat. 2 Pac
12/09/2004
Lights Out!
Wouldn't it be great if everything was glow in the dark?
12/08/2004
Lil Crickets
I noticed the other day when looking in the mirror, that I had two little guys on my shoulders. I didn't think anything of it because they weren't really doing anything threatening. Then a situation came up where I had to make a decision with moral implications...These little dudes started fighting and arguing like nothing else. The result was me having a conversation with...myself. Have you ever done that. Had a conversation with yourself? It's really like two different people inside your head. One justifies your bad behavior and the other tries to impress morals onto your decision. I can't believe this fact. One cannot, no matter how hard one tries, get along with one's self. Why is this? How are we expected to interact and agree with other people if we can't even get along with ourselves? Sometimes I wish these "people" inside me could be separated into some kind of clone. One would be all one way and the other would be all the other way. I always thought a clone would be perfect. You would never really disagree with your clone...or so I thought, until I saw this scenario in my head. If you were to clone yourself, what would stop you from totally disagreeing or even fighting, physically, with "yourself" If you can't agree with yourself as one person, how would another "you" affect your life? In the movies, the clone always agrees to go to school for you and take all your tests and do your chores, while you (the original you) go off and do fun stuff. But if the real you wanted to do the fun stuff, what would stop your clone from wanting to do the same stuff? It has the same urges as you, the same wants, the same desires...it IS YOU! What's to stop this other "you" from trying to make you you do the boring stuff, and if this altercation was to actually happen, what's to stop you from trying to take you out. The only reason you don't do this now is because, to kill the other you, you would have to kill you too, which would defeat the purpose of killing yourself in the first place, because the only way you could benefit from this action is if you were separated...which brings me back to the clone thing. If there was a clone of you, you would probably kill it in like 2 days.
And that's that.
Currently listening to: Nothing (But on the way to work, I listened to "Free Bird" - Lynyrd Skynyrd)
12/05/2004
Is this Sunday?
For some reason, this doesn't feel like Sunday. Sundays for me are depressing...remember? So today I feel...great. Did I just hear myself say think that. Did I just say that? Did I actually write that? Sunday's DO NOT suck once again...
Where am I that today did not suck? I know where I was. I was here where I am now...or where I was...but I'm still here in my happy place. Did I just say Happy Place? Wow...like I'm in a support group or something: "go to your happy place" But it's not like that though. I'm just happy you know, I'm also in a place...Happy Place. Whatever, forget about the happy place. It doesn't matter. What matters is memories. How do people forget what has happened? How can you not remember this today and tomorrow...wow. I think I'm crackin up...I'm not really making any sense at all...I guess I don't expect you to understand...just SSDD. Holla.
Currently listening to: "I get High" - Styles P
Where am I that today did not suck? I know where I was. I was here where I am now...or where I was...but I'm still here in my happy place. Did I just say Happy Place? Wow...like I'm in a support group or something: "go to your happy place" But it's not like that though. I'm just happy you know, I'm also in a place...Happy Place. Whatever, forget about the happy place. It doesn't matter. What matters is memories. How do people forget what has happened? How can you not remember this today and tomorrow...wow. I think I'm crackin up...I'm not really making any sense at all...I guess I don't expect you to understand...just SSDD. Holla.
Currently listening to: "I get High" - Styles P
12/04/2004
Drunken Posting Lives on
Let's all thank Laura for the post that started it all. I don't know if you remember Dick, but I took his link off my site because he stopped posting on his...but it's still there and I want everybody to see his new post. Check this out..."Little Dick's Night Out"
12/03/2004
Another Noob...
I told you this was gonna happen. Ha! It just never stops, no quittin, no breaks, but we don't need one, we always fiendin for more...well, here's more for your blog-atite:
Never Mind the Bollocks (This link prolly won't work, check the sidebar)
PB and J's new site. Check it out...si quieres.
Never Mind the Bollocks (This link prolly won't work, check the sidebar)
PB and J's new site. Check it out...si quieres.
When stranded at work...
I noticed these things about myself when I am at work:
- I flush the toilets here but not other public bathrooms. I use my shoe to flush because I still don't like to touch the handle. I always think about not flushing it, but rationalize with this phrase "It's NASA, you have to flush" I also use the same stall everytime.
- I drive way faster on site because I know there are no cops. When I drive the government vehicle, usually the Excursion, I turn up the bass really high and listen to this tape that is always in there (Talking Heads). Every time I get in this vehicle, I think about stealing the tape, but I know that would be wrong...and I would get caught probably. I think I'll buy that CD.
- I know this guy named Chuck. Whenever anybody passes anybody in the hall onsite, they say "Hi" or "Howyadoin" or "Whatsgoinon" When I see Chuck, I like to say "What's up Chuck" He doesn't like that too much but I think its really funny...Up Chuck...HA!
- I try not to look at the clock at all. I think it makes the time go faster if you don't look. I'm not looking right now. I have a little peice of paper taped to my computer screen where my clock is so I can't look at it. I don't look at the wall clock either. Most of the time, I don't know what time it is...scary.
- I answer the phone like this "NASAmanager'sofficethisisBrett" Even if I know the person calling is my mom...or Crazy Eric. Sometimes I accidentally answer my cell phone like that too.
- I wouldn't like to seem arrogant but...I have impeccable parking skills.
Currently Listening to: "Elevator Music" - I DON'T KNOW!!
12/01/2004
